FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
