Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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