o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
