A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
