My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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