somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
