It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
