Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The uberlube is also flammable
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
