mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize