You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
