so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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