Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
