alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize