Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
