Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The best revenge is premature balding
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
