My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
