I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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