The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
