why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
