Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
