I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
