Please, let me fuck your mom
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
