new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize