so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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