I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My dick has a subreddit
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
