Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
