tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
