My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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