I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize