I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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