i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I would fuck him just for his dog
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
