Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
