A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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