margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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