i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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