Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
