His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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