I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
