just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
