I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
