you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize