I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
