you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
