got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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