Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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