there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
