You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
