my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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