I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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