i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
