Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Those nachos came to me in a dream
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
