dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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