Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
