I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
In America we eat man semen.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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