go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
