I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
