Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
