I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
