so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
