Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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