well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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