I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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