it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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